This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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