I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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