After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
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Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
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I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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