dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
