I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
