dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
