i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
