im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
