Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
