Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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