the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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