.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
