just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
