i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
