and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
