Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
