I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
