life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
