masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
