Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
