3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
