What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
