yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Randomize
