I cannot find my penis.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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