i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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