apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
