Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
