I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
