At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
