NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
