I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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