Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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