oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
