I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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