I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
