it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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