You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
