Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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