So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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