new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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