I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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