i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
