Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
