if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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