Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
