what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
