I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
