whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
