Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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