I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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