Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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