FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
