I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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