I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
