I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
