I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
