i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
