You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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