I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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