You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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